Friday, August 25, 2006

It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I want To

It sort of is my birthday, well, not really, but it is. One year ago was my first blog entry. In fact, it was only one year ago that I even started my blog. I managed to accost Dani online for some late night coaching and then stayed up really really really late to play around and feel confident enough to actually hit that orange publish button.

But, in all honestly, today is a real birthday. It's my
Mom's birthday. She would've been 75 years old today. But three years ago, she died (August 28, 2003).

I choose to celebrate her perhaps a wee bit more than I do every day, and not to mourn any extra on the anniversary of her death. She deserves happiness, not sadness.

Am I any less sad that she is no longer with us? Not a chance. Do I still miss her so much every day it hurts from the ends of hair to my toenails? Absolutely. Is it fair? No. But life isn't, and I can deal with that.

What hurts the most? That she isn't here to physically relish in every waking moment of her grandsons. She had 15 months with them. I am most grateful and thankful that she did, but maybe that hurts a little more knowing that she knew, instead of her never knowing what she is missing. Her precious grandsons, my miracle boys, Trevor & Ben, do something every single day that makes me sad cry that she doesn't get to see it, touch it, hear it, or at least my being able to tell her (for real, cause I still tell her everything).

I talk about her all the time. They know she is dead. I think they kinda sorta almost understand a little bit. I tell them she is an angel, a star in the sky watching us and doing everything with us. Ben says most knowingly, "Mommy, angels aren't real." and I do smile, cause he is right. Then he gets pissed off when I tell him neither are dragons. So there. I have to believe that she is here, somewhere, even in the most untouchable of ways.

On the boys' 4th birthday, it was a gorgeous, sunny warm day late in May. We all went out to the back porch to open their gifts. There was almost 20 of us in total. Just as we sat down to watch the carnage start, a cardinal started singing out as loud as he could be heard. He was close, damn close, likely in the tree right above us. My mother's most favourite bird was the cardinal. (is the cardinal, is...why is it so hard for me to write was?). Anyway, my father, brother and I immediately looked at one another, "There's Mom." We ALL thought and said the exact same thing. You can't make that stuff up. (right Brenda?)

Birthdays in my world are important. Everyone deserves their special day to be unique, enjoyable, and memorable, as simple or as extravagant as they wish. I want my blog's birthday to be fun and remember the most inspirational woman in my life. I do feel a little awkward posting this right after the one about a penis in the Ikea catalogue, but I will tell you that my mother would've surely had a good giggle about that one.


Happy Birthday!

11 Comments:

Blogger Northern Mom said...

Nancy,
You have been on my mind all day. The anniversary of my neighbours husband passing is tomorrow and I knew the 2 dates were very close. I have no doubt in my mind that the cardinal was/is your mom and I think that she might be hovering over you and the boys more than you'll ever know.
Here's a hug to you and you'll get a real one in person the next time I see you!
Lots of Love
Barb

8:01 PM EDT  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

Happy birthday, Nancy's Mom.

Thanks for letting us into your heart on this special day, Nancy. That was a beautiful, touching and eloquent post.

8:02 PM EDT  
Blogger SRH said...

Happy blogaversary! I hope you are able to enjoy the good memories of your mom.

8:35 PM EDT  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

The bond you have with your mom is very touching nancy. She must have been a remarkable woman since you are. Your mom deserves to be celebrated on her special day. And I am sure her spirit is around you, cheering you on and relishing those little moments your two miracles have every day.

Your first post feels like just yesterday. That was one quick year! So Happy Bloganniversary. Its been very enjoyable and I'm always looking forward to another peak into nancy's world.

hugs

8:48 PM EDT  
Blogger Beth said...

What a beautiful, moving post. I lost my (much adored) father a year ago last week; his birthday is next week. The sadness is still there, so much a part of me. But I'm learning to live with it. And aren't we lucky that we had such love from and for our parents?

Happy blog anniversary. I'll be back to read regularly.

9:59 PM EDT  
Blogger Laurie said...

I am in tears Nancy... that was a beautiful, touching post. I too miss my mom every. single. day. and, like you, I believe she is here, even in the most untouchable of ways.

Maybe both of our moms are sitting together in an angel cafe, having coffee, and bragging about their precious, miraculous grand-babies.

I know for sure that your mom would be proud of what a wonderful mom YOU are.

Happy birthday to you (on your blog) and your mom,

hugs

10:31 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy bloggiversary, Nancy, and happy birthday, Nancy's mom. This is a beautiful and moving post.

Coincidentally right after reading this I read Indigo Girl's blog, where she is grieving the death of her mom a couple of months ago. Linda is a mom of twin girls, and a good writer.
See indigogirl.typepad.com if you like.

Best wishes,
SheilaC

11:17 AM EDT  
Blogger gnightgirl said...

Thanks for sharing, it was a tough one to write. You honor your mother beautifully here.

2:37 PM EDT  
Anonymous Snack Mommy said...

Nancy,

I was doing fine until I got to the part about the cardinal. Somewhere, somehow, your mother is bursting with pride. Your most excellent skills as a mother are a direct reflection of her every day.

Happy Blogversary.

3:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...

Happy BlogVersairy.

Your mom will never be gone you keep your warmth and humour alive in your words and I have a sneaking suspison you are just like her.

She's proud.

Just as I am to know you. Wish i could have had a cuppa tea with her. I'm sure we would have had a hoot. Like I do when I'm with you.

Happy Everything.
Love
ME

8:03 AM EDT  
Anonymous Brenda said...

You are so right Nancy,
You can't make that stuff up! You have me in tears, your Mom was SO with you all on the boys birthday. What a special way for her to to let you know!

Happy clebrations of your mom's birthday and the birth of your blog. I'm sure she is honored by your tribute to her.

Brenda

12:23 PM EDT  

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