Thursday, August 25, 2005

Today is my Mom's Birthday...

As I was washing my dishes tonight after supper, I was blogging in my head. (what is the technical term for that?) Anyway, here I am, and although I hesitate starting my blogging career on a 'down' note, it really isn't. I can't think of a better way to start things off than in honour of my mom. Today is her birthday, born 1931, 74 years old, adoring grandmother to T & B. She died almost 2 years ago on August 28, 2003. It sucks. I miss her terribly, really, something awful. She was ill, we knew it was going to happen, and what they say it true, it DOES NOT make it any easier, nor does it make it fair. She was 'my world', in a sense. I choose to celebrate her life on her birthday instead of on the anniversary of her death in 3 days.

When do I think of her? When I am driving, walking the dog, hugging my children, in the shower, watching a movie, washing the dishes, etc...you get it. Don't get me wrong, I am not wallowing through life constantly using the kleenex to wipe the tears (although it does happen often, like now), if anything, she is the one who taught me the opposite. There are so many days/moments when I gain strength from her. Like, when my kids are driving me to the looney bin...I remember how well she always (well almost) kept her cool and was such a rock even in the shittiest of situations. I also remember her being human and crying out loud, shedding tears when she wanted (in both sorrow and joy).

My beloved (gawd I love using that term, and thanking
Danigirl in advance, hope that's ok to use toots!) has a job which requires him to travel extensively, spanning the globe (currently in Switzerland as I write) which puts me into high single parent mode more than I'd like. My father also traveled very frequently with his job while we were growing up. My mom never once complained. I whine all the time. So many people remind me how well she did it while my dad traveled, I remind them "I am not my mother". I wish I was more like her. I would have more patience, more energy/zest for life, clean house, gourmet meals, volunteer every extra moment left and still have time for me. Some days I feel as though I can barely keep my head above water and all I am doing is making sure my kids aren't eating the dust bunnies for lunch.

I was not able to make it to the cemetery today. I don't go often, don't need to, I talk to her and feel her in every way possible. But today, I wanted to and I didn't. I know she wouldn't think I'd let her down, but it was for me, not her. Back to doing the dishes, I was totally immersed in thinking about her, today on her birthday and how ripped off her grandchildren are for not having the opportunity to know her, love her, experience her and cherish her like they deserve. That is the hardest part for me. She was so happy to FINALLY becoming a Gramma (all that infertility crap to come later) and I do know she saw them, held them and loved them like no one else ever could, heck, B started walking the week she died, so at least I know she saw both of them walking. BUT we so weren't finished, she is missing so much already has.

I am not quite sure where I had intended to go with my inaugural blog, just whatever was crowding my brain today. Sure it was also full of skating lesson registration, eating peach pie with a friend/neighbor, playing with my kidlets...but all day long I was singing Happy Birthday...to my Mom.

8 Comments:

Blogger Cali Kay said...

Many hugs to you Nancy, on such a bittersweet day. Your mom is always with you though, in your heart, in your mind, in your children.

I can't wait to read more from you. I'm so glad you finally took the plunge!!

12:05 AM EDT  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

Wow... where to start? I completely forgot to tell you last night how wonderful your first post is, and how it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Very touching, very well written.

You must have been up all night working on the layout and format - good work!!!!

I'm so proud! Can I add you to my blogroll yet? I wasn't ready for my public debut for weeks, but I think you're good to go!

xoxoxo Dani

7:44 AM EDT  
Anonymous Brenda said...

Nancy,

While checking out the comments on little "E", I noticed that your name came up blue instead of black! How excited I was to click on it and discover that you have started blogging too!

Great opening post! As Dani said, I was laughing and crying.

Here's a happy birthday from me to your mom, the boys are not fully missing out on her, she comes out through you! You are very much like her and it will probably come out more as the boys get older (you can keep a cleaner house while they are in school!)

I believe she knows you are thinking about her and look to her for strength, she also knows how you chose to spend her birthday with her grandkids...just as she would have wanted you to!

8:08 AM EDT  
Blogger nancy said...

Thank you Brenda - made me cry...in a good way - promise!

8:42 AM EDT  
Blogger Marla said...

I'm so glad I get to learn more about you. And because I like my helpings to be bittersweet, I commend your first post. Well done.

Just wait until your loved ones and friends can look at you and tell by the expression on your face that you're blogging in your head.

See you around!

11:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Shannon said...

Well lookey what I found here! A way to learn just a wee bit more about my Beloved friend from afar. While I love your blog, I think a warning should be attached to this first post. I know how deeply your emotions run for your mom, but I am impressed with how well you expressed yourself in this post. You may not be in tears, but I am!

I whole heartedly support what Brenda said about your boys still getting to experience your mom through you. As I'm sure your dad does as well...

Thanks for inviting me over to your new home :~)

3:20 PM EDT  
Blogger BeachMama said...

Congratulations Nancy on getting your blog started. I was excited when I saw that your name was highlighted in your comments :). You are a true testiment to your Mom. She would be so proud of you and how you take such great care of the boys. Your Mom with shine through you to them.

Great post,
Anna

9:16 AM EDT  
Anonymous CK said...

Well your post is certainly emotional to me, and it hurts me to know the pain that you rightfully feel. I miss your mom terribly too, and I also think of her when I am doing all sorts of things. I remember how she often helped me, gave me advice, listened, and especially how she would give me an enthusiastic response to things I would tell her that I was excited about. Like yourself, I try to garnish strength by the examples she gave us and how lovingly and selflessly she gave of herself and her time. I will help your kids to know how wonderful she was, as I mentioned to you before, I will do my best to talk to them about her and tell them what a remarkable woman their grandmother was. I will also do my best to be here for you, if you ever need me you know where I am.

xo,CK

9:48 PM EDT  

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