Sunday, June 25, 2006

The unusual day trip

I was just pregnant! For a day! But now that dream is over. THAT'S what happens to us infertile fuckups who truly believe that the miracle of all miracles is actually happening to ME when Aunt fucking Flo is a mere 46 hours late. It was fun, nice, and I really enjoyed it. I was scripting not only the email to friends announcing the pg, I actually went as far as writing the email announcing the arrival. Girl? Boy? And of course I played my most favouritest game in the world, the Name Game. Holy shit Nancy, get a grip, there was never even a stick peed on or anything, just that constant mind game going on...well, you know, what if???

I know I rant and vent and whine and complain about this too often, you'd think I'd get a grip already. Nope.

I practically cherish those imaginary moments of being pregnant, even though it isn't true. Just that hope, that little glimmer of hope. It isn't the getting knocked up part, but the being pg part. Even though we are so completely full and blessed with two amazing children, it is the selfish side of me that pouts "I was pregant only once." And it was a shitty pregnancy. I want to be part of 'that' crowd again. Of course adding another baby into the mix is the ultimate goal, not simply to be pregnant. I am fully aware of the pure chaos that would happen. Am I prepared? Nope. But if it ever happens? Bring it on.

I'll try to let it go, for now. We have three frosties on ice. The challenge is trying to convince the hubs to feel that same sense of allegiance to those frozen embies that I do. There is that chance, and it is nagging at me something awful. I do believe if we tried it, no matter the result, I could feel a sense of closure and be 110% happy with our family composition. There is just that one very big-ass little word that keeps popping into my head.



Anonymous Carolann said...

Oh Nanc....You know what, I have 3 girls and have had no issues with pg but I too feel like that! Then I feel I am selfish, I have 3 healthy girls what more do I need...then the miscarriage...and now just emptiness and longing! I know your life will be CRAZY but I hope...if thats what you life gets CRAZIER !!! In your words "bring it on" and it is not selfish on your is human!!!

1:08 PM EDT  
Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...


Life is fun and never vo=birng when you have kids. Imagine what it would be like if you had 7? Crazy...YEs....Busy....Yes....But so much fun.

Your a great MOM And I hope you and the hubby can work something out.

6:15 PM EDT  
Blogger BeachMama said...

Nancy, I feel the same way you do, only it was last week and we don't have any frosties any more. I still wait and wonder when my next miracle will arrive. Am I happy with my family, you bet.

But, there is always that longing, urge I feel when I carry around my neice or when I see the new Mom with the triplets taking a walk down the street.

Sending you many hugs.

9:10 PM EDT  
Blogger Northern Mom said...

If only......
My heart goes out to you.....
I think closure is a good thing. I'll have that soon and have mixed feelings about it....
Hugs to you

10:55 PM EDT  
Anonymous Snack Mommy said...

I've read your post a few times and am struggling with what to say as I know nothing ever felt adequate to me when I heard it from others. I guess what I want to say most is that it hurts me that you feel this way, because, I have been there and it's a really awful feeling.

I wish you peace of mind with whatever path your family chooses.

11:08 PM EDT  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

oh nancy, the others have said it all

oh the aggravation, the turmoil, the torment, the nightmare of that smallest two letter word " I F " for the infertile fuckups.

wishing you peace of mind for whichever road lies ahead

a multitude of hugs

12:20 AM EDT  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

No words from me, just a deferral. When I see you, at some random point you are going to get a really big, squishy hug, and it will be in response to this post, 'k?

6:37 AM EDT  
Anonymous Chantal said...

I like what Snack Mommy said. Sums up how I feel for you.

10:21 AM EDT  
Blogger Farm Mommy Kirsten said...

Nancy, though I haven't been through the IVF process I know what it's like to wake up the morning of the first day of your period and see that it hasn't arrived. I do know the hope and the imaginings that take place well outside the bounds of what seems rational or reasonable. Though I don't know you personally Nancy, I do share your pain, uncertainty, and that unexplainable desire for another pregnancy. Patience, though impossible, and good shall come.

12:14 PM EDT  
Anonymous Valerie said...

I agree, the lack of closure is so hard to deal with. It drove us (me nagging, I admit) to try that one last time. I had the miracle ending, but felt/feel that I would have been okay either way, knowing that we'd done what we could. I hope you get that closure, Nancy - because that little "if" word sucks big time (and a sweet little pink "if" would suit your family well!).

Northern Mom, a big hug to you for what you're going through. Closure, yes, but still very sad.

3:27 PM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot!
» » »

1:29 PM EDT  

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