Friday, March 24, 2006

Dear Uterus

Dear Uterus,

Please don’t take this personally, but you suck. You insist on hurting me physically, mentally and emotionally. In fact, you insult me. What have I ever done to you other than provide you with a place to live, food, water, and chocolate.

I have had cramps on a monthly basis since I was 11. Never missing one. Not one. Some worse than others, either debilitating or barely a twitch, but always something. Do you know how embarrassing it is missing 2 days of school a month in high school, and all the boys know why? Do you? Do you?? Why the unpredictability? Is that truly necessary? Do you realize that consistency is a nice thing sometimes? I should’ve bought stocks as a pre-adolescent in Midol, Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Naproxen, etc. I’d be a self-made millionaire.

I will give you one gold star for helping me carry my babies for 36 weeks, 5 days (but not really counting). However, you were a contributing factor causing us to practically re-mortgage the house in order to pay for the necessary assistance in order to get pregnant. IVF, ICSI, drugs, etc…yes dear ute, rather pricey. Finally, it worked, then you rebelled against the whole process and had some issues keeping me in the hospital for 18 days with OHSS. Then you scared us with numerous episodes of heavy bleeding from week 7 through week 15. What part of “no bleeding during pregnancy” did you not understand? Then you freaked us out again with a few days of pre-term labour at 28 weeks, another 5 day hospital stay. What was your point then? But, being the really really really nice uterus-host that I am, I will thank you for not contracting beyond the limits for another 9 weeks after that. Heck, I had my ass in bed 24 hours/day for 8 weeks after that, how could you not like that? Anyway, the babies came, all is good. Except for you.

If you aren’t able to at least try to help me get knocked up the ‘old fashioned’ way, why must you continue to torture me? I do not appreciate the 2 weeks of PMS cramping. Please be aware that a couple of days is the norm, but then I guess I know you are not anywhere near normal. I practically begged my doctor to “take this fuckingsonofabitch” outta me if it isn’t going to serve me well. She politely declined. Crap.

This new thing of providing me with that impending feeling of doom, that Aunt Flo will arrive this very minute, no wait, the next, no, wait one more for 2 weeks straight is ridiculous!!!! And for God’s sake, please stop teasing me by then waiting an extra couple of days to show up. I have already spent more than enough angst on wondering if this one time is our turn for a miracle, and also enough $$$ on HPTs.

I am so done with you, and if I had my way, I would get rid of you. I just had to share with you and the internet how much I despise you.

Unaffectionately yours,
Nancy

11 Comments:

Blogger BeachMama said...

Oh Nancy, as sad as this story is to tell, you make me laugh. My laughter at the hilarity that you use to curse that nastiness that is your uterus. At the same time that I am laughing, I am also crying at the unfairness of our uteri (if that is indeed the plural) that they are constantly betraying us but keeping us there in limbo, just in case.

I pray that one day your uterus will hear your words and come through for you. Miracles do happen, we know that they do.

8:41 AM EST  
Blogger SRH said...

Sorry your uterus hurts you.

9:28 AM EST  
Blogger Marla said...

I am giving you a hug, but behind your back, I am giving your uterus the finger.

9:33 AM EST  
Anonymous northern mom said...

Maybe we can be room mates when they finally decide that if we're not using it..get it out. We can clean sweep the house, but not our bodies....
Mine did nothing for me at all..nothing...

11:11 AM EST  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

This should be required reading for all of the non-uterus-bearing members of the population.

12:54 PM EST  
Blogger moe said...

I am lucky (kinda) after torturing me all through high school (I wanted to rip my uterus out with my bare hands to ease the pain) I had my first and the worst went away. Of course it nearly killed me when I assumed pain from appendix was just my stupid uterus acting up again.

You tell em... er ...it.

3:47 PM EST  
Blogger moe said...

I am lucky (kinda) after torturing me all through high school (I wanted to rip my uterus out with my bare hands to ease the pain) I had my first and the worst went away. Of course it nearly killed me when I assumed pain from appendix was just my stupid uterus acting up again.

You tell em... er ...it.

3:47 PM EST  
Blogger Mark (Lord of the Idiots) said...

Alllllllllriiiiiighttttttyyyy then! I really gotta be careful reading you ladies blogs...... Sorry your Uteral thingy me bobby is hurting you....Bad Uterus! Bad Uterus!

9:53 PM EST  
Anonymous Beanie Baby said...

(((Nancy)))

7:29 AM EST  
Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...

Right alone with you Nancy...Except mine was those dame tubey things and those round ovary things. They still take my breath away with the pain.

Hugs to you. Sorry that U thing is being a Bitch!

8:27 AM EST  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

Absolutely LOVE this post, brilliant Nancy!

I too suffered immensely over the years but somehow, since the twins, cramps have decreased tremendously and I'm all of a sudden regular, WTF?

Now that my child bearing years are over, I want mine gone, no more use for it and it always sends Anut Flo at the worst times, like right smack in teh middle of my Florida holidays complete with migraine, cramps and bitchiness...arghh!!

10:54 AM EST  

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