Wednesday, January 25, 2006

teshcles

It finally happened. He asked. For the very first time. And of course it was in the public washroom at the really BIG mall which was (of course) packed and lined up with more woman and children that the fire regulations likely permit.

The definite and obvious advantage to having boys is they can pee standing up. Therefore in public washrooms, no need to panic and disinfect toilet seat while preschooler dances around hoping he won't pee his pants. We were in line. He had to go. "Really bad Mommy!" so of course the women ahead of us in line rush us to the front (kind dear souls that they are). The next stall that opens is the wheelchair accessible one. I kinda sorta have a personal 'thing' that I don't use those stalls. They are for people who need the space. I can wait for one of the other 7 stalls. A person using assisted transportation (wheelchair, walker) has only one stall from which to choose. I look around (in all likelihood already looking guilty, cause I was feeling it) and not seeing anyone among the proceeding 6 in line with such requirements, plus the grandmotherly type woman behind up who let us in front her her pushing us towards the door, I caved and in we went.

I never realized. Those toilets are really high. Should said little boy whip it out and stand to pee and proceed to do so, it is all over the side of the bowl and the floor. I am suddenly taken back 30+ years. I am in the train station with my mom. She wipes the seats and then covers it with toilet paper. I promptly use handy-dandy pursed sized antibacterial wipe (thank you stocking stuffer), clean the seat and throw him on (we can have a bath when we get home).

The toilet is high.

Increased height to very young man (remember, he is three years old) increases viewing ability of one's own personal jewels. You'd think he'd never known they were there. Come on young man, you've been playing with them at least thrice daily since the day you were born, and enjoying it too. However, for some reason today (t-o-d-a-y) is the day he asks in not so quiet voice,

Loud: "What are those Mommy?"
Soft & muffled and hoping he won't care : "that's your penis" (which I know he already knows that one, all too well)
Loud: "No Mommy, what are THOSE? Why is it doing that?" (touching and grabbing)
Even more muffled: "teshcles"

I promptly lift him off the very high toilet so he can pull his pants up. As he is doing so (PHEW! of all phews ever said before cause he has abviously forgotten and will soon ask for a snack)...

REALLY REALLY loud: (cause older by 27 minutes brother has now flushed the really high toilet): "YOU don't have a penis, right Mommy?"
(Shock & awe for not only hearing this ultimate question for the first time, but at 86 decibels in public bathroom), softly : "No sweetheart, I don't." (please please please don't ask what I do have please please please)
Loud enough: "Mommy..." (in self-preparation to prevent being horrified as best as humanly possible) "...that's a-cause you are a girl, right?"
Proudly : "Why yes!! That's right my love. Now what kind of muffin do you want at Starbucks?"
Loud again : "What's Stawerphucks, Mommy?"

I. Kid. You. Not.

Why couldn't he just ask about this like his brother? That experience has since been paled in comparison.

14 Comments:

Blogger BeachMama said...

LOL, that is so cute, you kids always keep you hopping. Little "J" asked yesterday what happened to my pee pee? I had a bit of tough one explaining it to him, I will be looking at you for guidance :)

Anna

6:23 AM EST  
Anonymous Janet said...

When my almost five year-old son was three and a half, I had to take him to the E.R. because of a 105 fever/stiff neck etc. (we feared meningitis). We were standing in a long-ish line, in a very busy waiting room, when said son decides to utter his only words (other than "my neck hurts") that day...."Mommy, if you don't have a penis, how do you go pee?" At full volume. I waited for someone to laugh so I could make a joke of it, but no one did. Bunch of tight-asses!

8:26 AM EST  
Anonymous andrea from the fishbowl said...

LOL -

Related story:
When the girls were small we made up this rhyme about various body parts. It's become a family-thing of ours.

They tap on my rear and chant "mummy's bum, is a drum" or they tap my stomach and chant "mummy's belly is like jelly" or they say "daddy's nose is a hose" etc etc.

Our youngest came up with her own version. Sarah shouted (very loudly) "daddy's pen!s, is the meanest!" Which wouldn't have been too bad, 'cept for the fact that they were in the men's change room at the local swimming pool together.

8:37 AM EST  
Blogger gnightgirl said...

Hilarious; nice segue into muffin talk!

One of my girlfriends' husbands taught her kids to sing "Mommy's got big brown nipples" when they were little, and she found it absolutely infuriating. Dad realized his big mistake when the kids started the song in the grocery store checkout lane, and the more she tried to hush them, the funnier they thought it was, the louder they sang.

I felt so sorry for her that I made her a batch of cookies...with candy kisses stuck in the middle.

9:31 AM EST  
Blogger SRH said...

Have not had to have this anatomy lesson just yet. I hope that when it does happen I have a flip chart and diagrams.

9:35 AM EST  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

LOL, your sons are the cutest, thanks for sharing this anecdote with us, made me start my day with a smile!

Since we have boy/girl twins, the anatomical differences and explanation of body parts was an issue quite a while back. There was a major case of penis envy at the onset of toilet training ;)

10:00 AM EST  
Anonymous Snack Mommy said...

Nancy, I love the fact that your boyz always pick the most high profile places for these conversations. At least Tristan has the decency to be at home when he asks "Mommy, why do your nipples look so old after you pump milk for Sawyer?"

10:46 AM EST  
Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...

Nathan once (not so long ago and in a crowd restroom) Shouts...Mommy My penis is soo big it's bigger than my hand when I hold it.

I heard laughter all around.

MEN and there Pride. I just said That's nice Nathan. And got out of there fast!

11:34 AM EST  
Blogger Running2Ks said...

Aw, that is cute! Hey, how does he not know Starbucks?

My girls talk all of the time about their "vagi..." in public. I can't keep turning red, so I just have to tell them to discuss it in the car with me :)

So...don't forget the little people who helped with ALL of the comments for the Blog Olympics, ok? LOL!

1:55 PM EST  
Blogger jo(e) said...

I had a male friend who took his twin sons into a bathroom stall with him once at a big public bathroom. They watched him pee and kept saying to each other loudly, "Wow, Daddy's penis is really big!"

He said that when he walked out of the stall, he tried to act smug, but he found it so funny that he ruined the effect by laughing.

4:42 PM EST  
Blogger Barbara said...

You're a gold medalist! Congratulations!
Trying to Catch Up: Blog Olympics - Round 3 Results

6:57 PM EST  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

OMG, hilarious stories all around! I had to read a few out loud to Beloved, who just smiled knowingly.

8:11 AM EST  
Blogger halloweenlover said...

Too funny! I'm sure everyone got a kick out of it.

3:21 PM EST  
Anonymous cats_meow said...

I'm currently a lurker and I found a link to your site from Andrea.
I teach at an all-boys school [LOVE them even if there are days that they aren't as loveable.]
This entry totally cracked me up! Thank you for making my lazy Saturday fun :)

3:40 AM EST  

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